I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
