Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
