i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
