I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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