the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
