A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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