The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
