mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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