You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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