You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
