his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
