o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
