We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize