sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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