Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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