he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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