I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
