Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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