It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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