I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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