I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
