then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
