we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
