I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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