Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
