Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
