the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
