I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
