I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
