Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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