Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
