I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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