He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
