chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
