Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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