just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
