Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
a search helicopter?!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
