do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
