Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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