Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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