I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
