I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
whose parrot is this?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
