Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
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Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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