I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
