I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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