halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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