after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
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I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
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Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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