Will you blow on my dice?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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