im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I supernannyed him into submission
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
