I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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