Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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