Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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