thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
