Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
