Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
