im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
