If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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